Musings

Sometimes I wonder If I am really supossed to be here, here at WTAMU. All my effort seems to be worth nothing. I try and I try and do the vast majority of all my homework and still nothing to show for it . I am seriusly considering either tranfering to AC next semester or just tkaing the semester off getting an apartment in Amarillo and just working . Trust I would like to live up here , because as much as I am frustrated, I just don't want to go and live back at home right now. Sure I miss my family , but just for the little things you know. But I really do wanna live on my own and get a degree maybe I just chose the wrong pathway to do it . Part of the reason I do want to stay here is I want something different than what I had din high school , new set of friends , new girls who aren't biased against me because they dont see me as being in their group. I guess I want a reinvetion , well maybe that isn't the right word, but to find who I really want to be without the opinions and judgements of others . Even though I have never wanted to admit it up until now and even still my choices that i make have been affected on what i thought somone was going to think or feel about me. I've always been on this pointless quest to be popular or in good cahrecter with classmates, coaches , teachers , friends , parents, whoever you know? So knowing that I now have this uh.... messed up veiw on my future i guess you could say, because I have relied so much on the opnions of others that I assumed that the world around me would quote unquote tell me what to do with the rest of my life . But know here I am stuck in a rut , undecalred major and just barely passing my classes . I'm happy to be here , but seriusly unsatisfied . It all just feels empty. The only thing lately that I thought would help me was having this girl I dated for a little while. The way it all went it felt like it would last longer andd go better than any other previous realtionship I have had.Man, was I ever wrong and know I'm left still searching for an answer. Something else as far as that goes there has been a glimmer of hope , but no need to elaborate any farther than that I am afaird ;). But if I do decicde to transfer come January , I want to go into Amarillo College's fire protecion program . I have always wanted to be a firefighter, and I still think that it would be such a cool job. Dangerous ? sure I know that , but it sure would be a heck of a lot of fun. Going into that program thre I think would also give me a goal and something to work towards , like right now , i'm just basically here , not to sure on where all these classes are taking me , but if I knew that I was working towards being a firefighter , then I would excel. so basicly what was the point of all this rambloing and such? The point is I want to be someone, and know what I'm doing with my life, I want to be independent from my parents, I want to be in love with a girl who really and truly wants to be loved like no other and is willing to love back, all and all ......

I want to be me.......

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? -Odysseus .."Troy"

I want them to remember me....