Musings

Sometimes I wonder If I am really supossed to be here, here at WTAMU. All my effort seems to be worth nothing. I try and I try and do the vast majority of all my homework and still nothing to show for it . I am seriusly considering either tranfering to AC next semester or just tkaing the semester off getting an apartment in Amarillo and just working . Trust I would like to live up here , because as much as I am frustrated, I just don't want to go and live back at home right now. Sure I miss my family , but just for the little things you know. But I really do wanna live on my own and get a degree maybe I just chose the wrong pathway to do it . Part of the reason I do want to stay here is I want something different than what I had din high school , new set of friends , new girls who aren't biased against me because they dont see me as being in their group. I guess I want a reinvetion , well maybe that isn't the right word, but to find who I really want to be without the opinions and judgements of others . Even though I have never wanted to admit it up until now and even still my choices that i make have been affected on what i thought somone was going to think or feel about me. I've always been on this pointless quest to be popular or in good cahrecter with classmates, coaches , teachers , friends , parents, whoever you know? So knowing that I now have this uh.... messed up veiw on my future i guess you could say, because I have relied so much on the opnions of others that I assumed that the world around me would quote unquote tell me what to do with the rest of my life . But know here I am stuck in a rut , undecalred major and just barely passing my classes . I'm happy to be here , but seriusly unsatisfied . It all just feels empty. The only thing lately that I thought would help me was having this girl I dated for a little while. The way it all went it felt like it would last longer andd go better than any other previous realtionship I have had.Man, was I ever wrong and know I'm left still searching for an answer. Something else as far as that goes there has been a glimmer of hope , but no need to elaborate any farther than that I am afaird ;). But if I do decicde to transfer come January , I want to go into Amarillo College's fire protecion program . I have always wanted to be a firefighter, and I still think that it would be such a cool job. Dangerous ? sure I know that , but it sure would be a heck of a lot of fun. Going into that program thre I think would also give me a goal and something to work towards , like right now , i'm just basically here , not to sure on where all these classes are taking me , but if I knew that I was working towards being a firefighter , then I would excel. so basicly what was the point of all this rambloing and such? The point is I want to be someone, and know what I'm doing with my life, I want to be independent from my parents, I want to be in love with a girl who really and truly wants to be loved like no other and is willing to love back, all and all ......

I want to be me.......

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? -Odysseus .."Troy"

I want them to remember me....

Cheers Darlin'

yeah im really bummed right now, the girl whom i thought was amazing and broke up with cause i was lead to belive we were taking a break for her grades, is now in another realtionship with her grades still in the pooper. But this would be her 1st , 2nd , 3rd....fourth boy friend in three month's since being here , man i hate getting burned and lied to ... but as i often do i will use a song to put into words how i feel...

Cheers Darlin' -Damien Rice

Cheers darlin'Here's to you and your lover boy Cheers darlin'I got years to wait around for youCheers darlin'I've got your wedding bells in my ear Cheers darlin'You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears awayAnd I die when you mention his nameAnd I lied, I should have kissed youWhen we were running the reinsWhat am I darlin'?A whisper in your ear?A piece of your cake?What am I, darlin?The boy you can fear?Or your biggest mistake?Cheers darlin'Here's to you and your lover man


Cheers darlin'I just hang around and eat from a can Cheers darlin'I got a ribbon of green on my guitarCheers darlin'I got a beauty queenTo sit not very far from hereI die when he comes aroundTo take you homeI'm too shyI should have kissed you when we were aloneWhat am I darlin'?A whisper in your ear?A piece of your cake?What am I, darlin?The boy you can fear?Or your biggest mistake?Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?I got years to wait...


hey that pretty much says it...

welll...

***sigh**

Well that didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to ... me and Elizabeth have deciced to take a break , and it really really sucks. But I see where she is soming from and so im not mad , becuase I am having trobule with grades right now as well, but im really trying to work on them , i still think we could have a realtionship while we work on our grades but just looks like it ain't gonna happen , oh well .....
.....work is going okay its just one helluva drive everyday to amarillo and back its mainly the gas factor and they have me scheduled for way too many hours. I think this in part is becuase of the number of people who quit before we even opened , i think even our manager did as well , but will see how it all works out im supposed to have an interview for a on campus job , working in our campus "card" office . I hope i can get that for the schedule will be a heck of alot more flexible and i wont have to drive to amarillo everyday....
...but other than that college is going okay...im just bummed about my chica..

One day...

someday , im going to do it . I wish sometimes I could all the little silly details away and just live on the beach somewhere. I could easily do that and never leave. You know just sit on a chair and watch the sunset behind the ocean . I wish I could just go , just me and my girl friend go away to some beach , not even necessarily secluded , but just us the beach , the sun , the breeze. Just sit there ..Just live..Life isn't always about doing the craziest thing . Sometimes you just have to sit back and relax. I know what I could do , just open me a little t-shirt novelty shop somewhere in Corpus , or Maui or anywhere as long as its me and the ocean . Its funny but I h ave always been drawn there , drawn towards the vance expanses of water that surrounded the globe. I am going to learn how to surf , so I can just go cruise the waves. Oh I don't think you would no how much I would love just to throw everything else out the window and just live on love and the ocean . This might start to sound repetitive but its just something that I so so wish to do someday . I think that's part of the reason , I want to join the coast guard , so I can always be around the ocean . Its even farther away now that I moved away to college .It was only about 5 hours to the coast from Kerrville , so know its got be like at least twelve. I would also have a soundtrack that I would listen to , like the sounds of my beach life , one of those songs would be " Wicked Game " by Chris Issak. I love that song, its total sound the errieness of his voice and the crying surf guitar in the background, I could listen to that song over and over and over , I also would listen to Beach Boy albums, and Bob Marley, just smooth chilling music , nothing to upbeat in tempo, just music that I could watch the sun melt into the ocean with . And until a few weeks ago I would have never figured that I would want anyone with me, but right now I would take Elizabeth with me , just me her and the tropics. How awesome would that be , yeah I know it doesn't sound like a very productive life , but I would love every minute of it ,

1. Find awesome beach
2. open t-shirt novelty shop
3. find good beach chair
4. be with my girl
5. chill for the rest of my life

so thats about it someday it will happen

God I thank you so much for her..

Hey there all again its been once agian another wonderful excitining week , which it always seem to be around here . Remember the most amazing girl I told you about ? Well we are now dating and I am loving every single minute that I get to spend with her . I thank God everyday for her coming into my life. Other things seem to being going well , as we have started our offical frat meetings and all went well . Also I start working today at Cold Stone , even though we are not yet open to the public we are going to do some clean up work and maybe make some of the ice cream today so wel will see how that goes. Tonight I am super excited about because I get to find out who my "big bro" is for my frat , my g/f found out who it is somehow and will n ot tell me , but thats okay only a few more hours and ill know anyway. Last night I think I might of pissed my roomate off , because me and elizabeth (my g/f)were watching a movie and lost track of the time and he apparently wanted to go to sleep but he didn't say anything and went and slept in our lobby , the ra saw him there asked whay i guess and came down to our room and said i needed to take my g/f back ,...actually i was supposed to have already because it was past two a.m. , but neither of us were paying much attention to the time so , but thats okay I'm going to talk to my roomate and my girlfreind and see if we cant split time between her room and mine when we want to hang otu or whatever , but yeah it will all be okay, other than that gald to see that most have been on here updating , posting etc, so that means we have a lot of free tome on our hands i guess, well i have to go report for duty in Amariillo @ Cold Stone so will see, and if im ever there in NC i will have some of that tea...