a divived man..a torn heart ?

when i origanlly wrote this post is wasn't a post it all I wort it down on paper , i was really really angry at the time and had to write something down so i could clear my head , and like i said before i was angry and in it i use some four letter words that i shouldn't have and so on and so forth ...but to not offend anyone who reads this i am going to very kindly leave a blank where the word should go ..yeah thats the end of the disclaimer

Today it suddenly hit me. I say suddenly because that's the way it happened , in just a instance. I finally realized thody that me and her will never be something more than that , two seperate things me..her .. I realized it when I showed up at the movie expecting it to be just me and her together, but she had brought some other guy to somehow be in "attendance" at our date..What the ( ) ! Did i miss the ( ) memo or something? Because i know if id a shown up with some other girl with me and i paid more attention to her than to my original date, she would be ( ) ( ) off and would probably say somthing to the eddect of " who the ( ) is she? you had no right to bring her..." But you know how things go right , its okay for her. And you know what? If I ever said anything about it she'd say like " What? I don't/can't have any other friends besides you?" She'd make me look like the bad guy, whiel she'd sit back looking pretty and feeling high and mighty . I mean it makes me so steaming mad, I wanna hit her , hard , but i can't because i wont let myself because i'm a guy she's a girl you know how it goes sorts thing. I just wish sometimes that I could stop loving her . And one might ask why do you love such a girl that would do all this to you ? Becuase in spite of all the crap she has given me , and inspite of all the times she's broke my heart , over and over again I fall in love with her. You know when she stands on her tip toes to give me a hug and looks into my eyes , and we lock glances , theres someting special , something that I've never had with someone else . And it tears me apart that in about a month , give or take a few weeks more, I will be moving ten hours away to school and I wont get to talk to her as much or see her as much, or feel the warmth of her hug. I guess that I'm at the point where I am stuck in a rock and a hardplace with myself that I will somehow have to figure out how to get out of because I think if i dont I will seriously be a divided man, if im not that already. I think i am that already , because sometimes like you can see above , i really really hate her , and sometimes i really really love her, ...my biggest fear is losing her , I can't describe it anyother way than this : when i know she's gonna go out with some guy i know is gonna hurt her and I know is gonna break her heart , I feel like im at the end of a cross country meet, my lungs are on fire I can't catch my breath , my legs feel liek jell o and i can't walk , im in a cold sweat..you knwo thats what i fell like inside when i think that she's gonna get hurt and here I am with open arms willing to love her for the beautiful person she is and yet she still fades away.....




oh and by now you have probably heard about the attacks on London pray for those there who lost people in the bombings .... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8492258